Breathe In Breathe Out

 Our minds, beliefs and thoughts are quite sensitive to negativity. Thus, we tend to get more and more attracted to it while also being disturbed by it. Being in a toxic environment of any sort if quite unhealthy and can really affect your health in the long run.

I recently learnt about this technique, and no it is not new, yet powerful when practised and yields amazing results and it is called Kindness and Empathy.

Compassion is all about kindness and empathy. It is assumed to be spiritual, it can be applied in your professional and personal lives too. People behave the way they do because they’re going through something in their lives. Or because their life script forces them to behave the way they do. Sometimes it hurts them sometimes it hurts others.

You may not be able to fix their lives or the life story, but there are a couple of things that you can do.

Not to judge anyone  is easier said than done. But it definitely makes life simpler. When you judge someone or something, there is a fixed mindset that you form about the person or the event. This tends to create a more negative environment especially about the person or situation. And that in turn, makes it very difficult for you to change your perceptions later.

For your own peace of mind, when people get extremely difficult to deal with, keep them at bay. Every once in a while, we tend to get sucked in to their drama. This tends to happen at work when boundaries aren’t set and there is an unnecessary conflict.

Now, I am not saying you keep mum or be unfriendly, but when you create your boundaries, there is a chance you stay away from the negativity.

promise you that is not as clichéd or as impossible as it sounds. By being practical, I mean you need to be more observant to your surroundings. Read between the lines and pay attention to people and their behaviour, attitudes, motives. Now find a balance to stay grounded. I need to start with these things myself. None of these points imply or suggest that you live in a bubble and cannot deal with things. Even though these are repeated norms and points they are useful to help deal with negativity on a daily basis.

Coming to the technique As you breathe in, say, “I am inhaling all the negativity around me” then as you exhale, say, “I a am spreading positivity all around me.”

This act of compassion is one for others. It is also one of the ways to not just keep your surroundings happy and clean but also helps others in a number of ways. By doing this little exercise you are not taking in the negativity inward but changing it into positive and spreading that with everyone outside.

The benefit of doing this exercise is that you are working with your mind rather than words and actions. That in turn, helps not only one person but all the others around you too. If they are happy and cheerful, so are you. You don’t necessarily put in a lot of efforts.

However, it is imperative that you understand that you aren’t controlling what happens to others. You are, actually, changing your own perspective towards people and situations.

Additionally, it helps you calm down if you are someone who tends to get anxious due to negativity around you. 

Next time you know what to do, yes thats right Breathe in the negativity and breathe out the positivity. 

Nandini Mithun 

Words Of Wisdom to my daughters

 Little Angels.... It is said that blessed are those who have their first child as a girl, which means am doubly blessed to have two little angels in my life. So here i write a letter to my munchkins.... 

Dear Daughters 

 I sometimes imagine you and me playing together in a park during evenings, reading together our favourite books, cooking all your favorite recipes together and exploring this amazing world travelling with you and clicking loads of pictures. I see you growing up into a kind, intelligent, smart and independent girl. A girl, who dreams, follows her heart, a girl who is strong and compassionate, a girl who is independent and caring, a girl who gives a damn about what people say and one who speaks her heart and mind.

Hey, but hold on i think i know this girl already and i look into the mirror. Have i succeeded? Honestly i am still a work in progress and i dont know the answer.

Do i always speak my heart out and give a damn about what others say, well this part has been tough for me because for sone extent i do bother about people especially when they are family and close friends.

This world, is a beautiful place but sometimes we need to be cautious of our Mankind.

We like to tell ourselves that we are modern and open minded but it’s just a façade. You will see and learn the real thing yourself. Don’t assume things and don’t trust what your gut doesn’t tell you to. And, don’t forget to question anything that doesn’t make you feel ok. Ask, as many times as you want, as long as you don’t get the satisfying answers. Keep looking and keep exploring. There would be people who would directly or indirectly tell you that you are not enough. They try to feed you their negativity, don’t let them succeed. God made us all the same yet different. Trust his ways and accept yourself. Real beauty lies in making yourself and others feel beautiful. Don’t just look beautiful, do beautiful, say beautiful, read beautiful, write beautiful and thats where the real beauty lies.

It’s amazing to make your life beautiful and fulfilling but what’s more amazing is adding to the beauty in the lives of people around you without losing yourself. 

What if you don’t want to settle down at all or you turn out to be a girl who is not ‘normal’? Here I would like to reiterate this point that to us, people of this world, ‘anything that doesn’t comply with the standards of this society or anything that’s different is not ‘normal’. What if you tell me that you just want to travel the world, earn just enough to pay for bare necessities and not settle down? What if one day you call to tell me that you want to adopt a child and work at a community run school in a remote village? What if you tell me you just want to get lost? Trust me, I would be okay with anything till it makes you happy and is not criminal or immoral.

Keep yourself happy and healthy first. Make yourself your priority. Love yourself, grow with each passing day, be a better version of yourself but refrain from comparison. This world is not a competition or a race. Don’t sacrifice your own self for proving a point to others. You don’t need to join every fight and win it. You don’t need to own everything to make a happy living. Simple and clutter free living makes you feel free. Be it a clutter of belongings, material things, emotions or relationships. Just simplify.

Nobody owns it all in this world and nobody is perfect. There is a lot to a person which is oblivious to our eyes. Learn to look beyond your vision. Be as kind as you can be, even though it is difficult at certain situations. This world needs a lot of kind and loving people who can restore our faith in humanity. Work on yourself and invest in yourself because you are the one who would always be with you. As much as I understand nature, a parent is only responsible to bring a child into this world, help and raise them till they are independent. After that, it’s their life and their journey. I hope we make ours a memorable one together.

In the coming years, you will meet all kinds of people. Some will become friends and some will become lessons. But, don’t allow anyone to make you a target of their insolence irrespective of the value they hold in your life. Don’t ever let anyone else sit in the driver’s seat and tell you what you should do or not do, what you should be or not be. This is your journey and yours alone. Take charge and embrace yourself. Love your strengths and your imperfections. The notion of “a perfect woman” is as real as your favourite cartoon character. It is just someone’s figment of imagination!

While there will be some folks who will put you on a pedestal, there will also be those who will try to fetter you in the cuffs of stereotypes. Don’t get influenced by either and look within always. Your essence is your force and it is what defines YOU. You don’t need to change that to please anyone, not even me.

 I have spent a good few years of my life pretending to be someone I am not as I thought a woman is supposed to be the epitome of sacrifice. And come to think of it, I was never even fed these thoughts by my parents. This is what social conditioning can do to us. 

Live, laugh, love, learn! Own your decisions and take responsibility. You will falter, you will rise and you will evolve. Be mindful of others and respect differences. And always remember that you are only answerable to your conscience.

Love

Mom

Letter To My Son

 At times, I wonder how will it be if a boy's mother pens a heartfelt, intense and emotional long letter to her son about his better half. 

Like the way most of the things need to evolve and grow organically, a relationship between a mother in law and her daughter in law also takes time, the only common connection is the Man who is a child to one and an adult to another.

My dear Son,

You are a young man, charming, accomplished and a wonderful human being.

Believe me the world you live in and take for granted as a man is a completely different beast to tackle when you are from the other gender

I am sure it feels great to be valued, praised, and encouraged for your unique capabilities, to be welcomed with smiles, slaps on the back and “You go boy!” shouts wherever you go. This might make you not so familiar with the ordeal of being judged for things women are judged for.

What you wear (and what you don’t wear), what you say (and what you don’t say), what tone of voice you use (the pitch, the bass, the tenor etc.), what words you use to convey your message (and what words you don’t), how much you smile (or how much you scowl, how much you smirk, how much you don’t smile), how you smile…the list is endless.

I have tried to make you see the world from as your sister sees it, for example, but I realize that you cannot really just take peeks from time to time and understand what she is going through. As her younger brother, I can understand that you weren’t quite on the same plane as her to be able to decipher and digest the issues that she was facing as she tackled school, college, family, career, and life. 

My darling son, your wife should be the most important woman in your life – not your mom, not your sister, nor your best friend, not even your future daughter. The woman you are going to marry, the woman who is going to share every little aspect of your life, the woman who is going through the ordeal of giving birth to your children, the woman who is going to walk beside you hand in hand, should be the woman you value the most. She should get your utmost respect, attention and above all your love.

Go ahead and fall gloriously in love with her. Love like you have never loved before. Love her like she’s a part of you. Love her like she deserves to be loved – completely and with abandon. Spoil her with your attention, with your adherence to her likes and dislikes.

Ignore the world that might label you with their misogynistic titles – a ‘henpecked husband’ being the top of the list. You have my permission to show them the finger I have asked you not to show to anyone. This is the kind of situation that you need to preserve it for. I know I have raised a strong young man who does not get fazed by the meaninglessness of the bad wide world.

I want you to break the traditional mold of – “I am the man, so my family, my boss, my dog should get more preference than you, your family, your boss and your dog” mentality that is so prevalent among men in general, and South Asian Men in particular.

My dear son, if you ever make your marriage a battle of egos, it will never work. Learn to let go, even though it is hard to let go, learn to let go. Learn to adapt, to change, to think beyond one’s family, one’s friends.

It’s quite OK if she gives more preference to her family. Her parents have brought her up, she has lived surrounded by her family all her life, how and why should you expect her to suddenly treat yours better? That is quite unfair. She has a right to continue to love her mom, dad and siblings in peace. She has a right to continue her old associations and relationships as she wants to

Never ever make her choose or make her choices for her. Even if she were to choose you, she will never really be happy about her choice; it will plague her, she will never quite get over what you did to her. Don’t let your ego be so fragile that it needs constant validation by needing her to prefer you over anyone else. I hope I have brought you up to behave like an adult man instead of a confused spoilt brat.

Love is a beautiful emotion in itself, it is what makes the world go around. If it weren’t for love, I don’t think the human race would have survived so far.

But love can get ugly too. If love for your own self supersedes your love for other human beings, then that is when things start to go wrong.

Learn to love her like your own. Encourage her to achieve her dreams, revel in it when she does. Don’t hold her back in anything. I have taught you to take care of yourself, so when the need arises, I hope you rise to the occasion to not just take care of yourself, but to take care of her too.

Also, don’t make her decisions for her. She is as, if not more accomplished than you are. She is capable enough to handle herself, her life problems and issues. If she asks you for advice, then by all means tell her what you think is right, but don’t meddle unnecessarily in her affairs. Give her space to grow. Let her make her own mistakes and learn from them.

Stand by her no matter what. Don’t be the one who says I told you so, but the one who says I am here for you. Not just one who says, but one who does, because after all my love, actions speak louder than mere words ever can.

Love her with abandon and watch as the happiness you give her comes back to you tenfold.

Life is too short and youth even more so. So, enjoy it while it lasts, and you cannot enjoy it with anyone else like you can with your life partner. Make sure you lay the foundation of your old age by cementing your relationship with your spouse with love, trust, care and most of all the topmost preference.

Your parents can take care of themselves; your siblings have their own families; your friends have other friends – so don’t put your wife on hold for them. Don’t ignore the one who’s going to be with you all through your youth right into your old age. Sow the seed of love and nourish it with your time, energy and effort and watch it grow like Jack’s beanstalk.

50+ years and your father still treats me like a new bride and gets excited for an evening walk with me. 

Don’t be caught up in who’s doing what and how much.  It is your seed, in your backyard and the backyard belongs to the both of you equally, and remember even if you do more or less – remember when this sapling grows into a tree it will encompass both of you in its shade equally. Water it without overwhelming it, prune it, fertilize it, make sure it is getting enough sunlight, protect it, nurture it and watch it bloom and produce the biggest, brightest, freshest flower that fill your life with color and beauty. 

My dear Son, i am a grown up woman and i know how to take care of myself and i have my circle and my interests, so please dont use me as a pawn in your marriage to do the things that you want. 

If you are man enough to want to do something, do it on your own responsibility – do not drag your mom, your dad, you siblings, or any of your friends into it. I am not sure about what others might or might not do, but let me tell you my dearest one, I for one will not allow you hide behind me to get away with things you don’t want to do. 

The thing with human beings and especially with moms is that somehow, they can never quite decipher that the child they have brought up can do anything wrong even though they are privy to all the weaknesses of their child. Somehow the other person, be it be a friend that the child has had an argument with, a teacher who did not give the child good grades, or a spouse who does not get along with them. – somehow conveniently, the other person is always wrong, and your child is the victim. 

Always side with the right thing and if you don’t really know the state of affairs, then you don’t take sides. You can’t just be on one person’s side because you know him/her. 

I will not always be right. Just because I am your mom and cooked the most delicious dishes for you does not mean you put me on a pedestal and behave unfairly with your wife. I don’t want to be up there, I wanted to be treated like an ordinary human being – that’s who I am. I have my strengths and my weaknesses, just like your wife. You can’t hold her weakness against my strength and you can’t ignore my short comings in my favor.

I think my letter to you has gotten too lengthy. I hope you are not rolling your eyes thinking my mom is so kind, noble and selfless to be doing this. Well my son, simply put, I am not. I am being as selfish as any other person who wants to lead a happy life. 

I genuinely believe that you can’t really be happy unless you have a good heart. You will find that one achieves a much higher level of joy when one is content and peaceful than when one is just happy. I want you to be content and peaceful in life so that I can be too. As selfish as that. As you can ascertain, I am just looking out for my happiness

try to make a heaven in your home, don’t let the devils of ego, jealousy and boredom take root there. They have a tendency to take over the entire heaven that you have so painstakingly built. I wish you the best in life with a reminder that you are responsible for giving your best before you can expect the best and the best of us are those who continue to give their best even when not getting it back in kind.

If you ever feel, i am asking a lot from you, one day you will thank me for this. 

Love 

Mom

PS: letter to my daughter, hmm thats for another post 

Nandini Mithun 

Black, White And Grey

When I was a child things were simple and easy, there was predominantly just two colors Black and White. 

All the bad things meant Black(fortunately or unfortunately this is my fav color till day).

All the good things were White, as pure as White and plain as milk.

However as i grew up i realized that there is no pure black and white in the world, it is always Grey, a mixture of both just like Yin Yang.

When we were kids, my brother and me weren't given any pocket money, and when we wanted something we simply asked our parents, however asking was simple and easy, not the getting part.

We had to justify why we need it, what we  needed and why we think we deserved it.

As i was growing up and changing from a timid girl to an Adult, i started meeting lot of people with different personalities and traits, and everyone was different and had different perspective about things. I started to take this concept and slowly understood that there is no pure black and white and there are lot of shades of grey. 

Whatever you tell or do will be interpreted according to the other person's understanding. 

As a kid, I would study hard, not just because I wanted to but because I enjoyed the praise and the gifts that came along with good grades. My hard work was definitely white but my ego and greediness for the goodies after the result added tinges of black to it, making it grey. 

This then leaves with me a thought that, nothing and noone in life is pure black or pure white, again it is about the perspectives, the situations and the upbringing.... 

When a little child brings a flower for their parents from a store with their pocket money, the parents are incredibly happy. However, if the same child picks the flower up from a garden where they aren’t supposed to pick flowers, they are scolded for it. The child’s intention is the same in both cases but the reaction they get for it differs. Why does it differ? Is it because the actions and intentions were different or the consequences after the action was different that makes it more black or white. 

Before you do something, ask yourself if it black, white or grey and Why? 

Also ask yourself does the same color apply to others too or are you being biased to yourself and your folks. 

Nandini Mithun 

Look Within

 What do you do when things are haywire and nothing is going as you wanted to.

Loving yourself is not confined to an occasional pat on the back. Nor is it an unwarranted ego trip. It is a continuous process of self-realization that requires consistency and conscious, devoted effort. The to-do strategy is however, rather simple. The trick is to not be deceived by the simplicity of the process and hang on to reap rich rewards. 

The art of loving yourself is not something that comes naturally to women.

At a spiritual level,( no no no i am not yet there, my little understanding from the books that i have read) the simplest solution to every problem is looking within. In this case, it would be looking within and liking it. Because when the external assault is at its worst, the only person that can see you through is you. Loving yourself in this case is much more than self-indulgence — it is your best coping strategy.

Appreciate yourself. Make it a conscious habit: Look in the mirror every day and remind yourself of what a great job you are doing of managing your life and that of your loved ones. If you are feeling low, remind yourself of all that you have achieved and that you have done it while juggling multiple roles. Self-appreciation is one of the simplest and the most underestimated strategies. Start appreciating yourself today and see it grow into a love that is holistically fulfilling.

Respect your efforts and let go of the guilt

Trying to cope with superhuman expectations on both personal and professional fronts is exhausting. To top it, most people — whether they are colleagues or family members – won’t think twice before complaining. The best way out is to manage our reactions. Accept that people will complain. Don’t take it personally. Give yourself a break because no one else will. Accept that mess happens. Manage it if you can, move on if you can’t. Don’t let the mess or complaints stick to you. Don’t harbour guilt. You can’t be absolutely perfect; what is important is that you are trying. Remind yourself this fact every single day and revel in the dignity of your roles. Always remember, if you can’t respect yourself for what you are and what you do, no one else will.

Humans make mistakes. You have to accept that despite your best efforts (or maybe less than best efforts at times, but hey, it is still okay), hiccups will happen. Things will go wrong. If you start taking everything personally, your life will be a bigger mess than those minor mistakes. It is understandably impossible to not feel bad and it is actually not advisable to bottle up your feelings in the name of control. What is important is really letting go and not just for appearance’s sake. Lock yourself in a bathroom and scream, if that helps, but let go as quickly as possible.

Ultimately the way the world perceives us is a reflection of our own perception of ourselves. That is why, self-confidence, a manifestation of self-love is one of most trusted ingredients of success. If we love ourselves the way we are, everyone else will come around to it, sooner or later. Even if they don’t, you will be able to cope because your sense of self will no more depend on the validation of others. Either way, you will find yourself in a much happier place — which is what ultimately matters.

All you have to do is to assert your identity with self-love and self-respect. That is the only key to lasting happiness and a satisfying existence

 

Nandini Mithun 

To my daughters

 Things for my daughters

 There are various things that as a mother i want to teach my 2 daughters because like every mother i want my children to turn out happy and peaceful.

First and foremost i want to tell my daughters that there are no prince charming  for a damsel in distress coming to save and she needs to fight her own battles.

Do not fairytale brainwash your daughters and fill their minds with unrealistic idea of a Prince Charming or a knight in armour. Instead tell them the stories of those women of your family, who have survived a lot inspite of all the odds, these are the stories that your daughters need to hear.

If possible take your daughters to them and let them converse with them.

If she grows up waiting for a man to rescue her of her miseries, she will find it difficult to look for strength within her to deal with her issues. It’s also very likely that she will grow up professionally looking for a mentor to do the rescuing at work.

Teach them about finance and how to deal with it, because this is one important aspect of life. 

Give her a chance to explore what she really likes, and exhibit a little courage as a parent to let her be different from the societal notions of what a girl ‘should’ and ‘should not’ like. 

Parents, more so Indian parents(only thing i know) want their daughters to get settled, which in many ways lead to one thing, getting married.... 

Refrain from portraying marriage as something she ‘must’ engage in when she grows up. Let her dabble with the concepts around commitment and loyalty on her own, however you be her guiding light always. 

Tell her she has to grow up to be her own person and has to stand on her own feet. It is not correct to wait for a ‘husband’ to come along and support. 

If you teach your daughter equality, let her know that involves stripping down certain privileges that she might see around her (guys picking your luggage, filing your taxes, helping you with programming assignments, etc.). At the end of the day, if you groom her to be fair and objective, equality in every practical aspect should naturally follow. Teach her to extend the concept to everyone – every race, every income group, every individual. 

Many women are insecure about their looks and resort to harmful dieting tactics, artificial implants/treatments. The source of this insecurity is the standards society has set as beautiful – spotless skin, lustrous hair, hour glass figure, a 34 cup size! I want to teach my daughters to be comfortable in their own skin even if they are not perceived as beautiful by others. I want to teach them to wear their best accessories –  smile and confidence.

Yes, it is an uphill task, but am sure of accomplishing this someday. 

Health and beauty can be separate. Wishing to lose those extra pounds does not necessarily stem from insecurity, but can simply be a healthy habit that will go a long way for her to have a comfortable lifestyle without being dependent on others.  I want to teach her to see people for who they are from their acts, not their appearances.

Finally i want to tell to my daughters that their body is only theirs and no one can make them feel uncomfortable or awkward. 

My daughters can make their own choices bearing in mind that each and every action has a consequence and they need to equally responsible for both. 

Nandini Mithun 

We Assume

 I still vividly remember my English teacher Mrs Chopde, who is now no more,way back in my eight grade.... Tall, fair , neatly worn hair and a voice that made heads turn towards her. Like most teachers she had a favourite statement... 'Dont assume things I did not mention' Assume almost implies making an ass of you and me! ASS.U. ME Get it? At that moment it seemed funny and really nothing but just another remark from a teaher who was furious at her students. But today as I look back and think about this, it makes way more sense than i thought.

 Now as it seems to emerge from my mind, it comes generoulsy coated with all the ambiguity life has to offer. All that is certain, enveloped with all that is uncertain and intangible...It may sound puzzling at first to know the way life leads us through its monotonous ways but yet gets to milestones that we seek. On the way we encounter so much that makes what we can call 'LIFE'.

 One very nice quote i remember at this point in time is, 'Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans', So true...... You assume so many things and make plans but life takes you in an entirely different and most of the time unexpected directions. The reason this thought came to me was due to a simple incident that occured few years back...... I had just passed out of my 10th grade and had lost or misplaced my most important documents, both my marks sheet and my transfer certificate. None to my support and help since it was an outright act of my irresponsibility or carelessness you would say. It took one month for me to get an admission in a college, and that was ofcourse without given an attendance for me, since I had not submitted my documents till then.

 Most of the time, how comfortably we assume that nothing would ever go wrong with us. We all do this many time. Infact, almost all the times with our near and dear ones. We assume that nothing can happen,But when it does, it takes us by a shock and surprise. A neighbor happens to be a part of a car crash, we assume it could never be us A stranger misses his flight, oh that could never be us. Terror strikes a country, oh not us NO WAY !! We forget to count our blessings, forget to give credit to everyone in our lives, and to thank god for what is on our hands. We assume, its all normal and cant change. We assume way too many things for our own good. WE ASSUME!! 

Motherhood

 Motherhood.....

I have a been a mother from past eight years and trust me it has been magical, mystical and a learning phase for me.

Motherhood is yesterday’s clothing, messy hair and 2 min showers.

Motherhood is yoga pants, v-neck tees and tiny soiled hand prints all over.

Motherhood is a sink full of dishes and a house full of laughter.

Motherhood is realizing laundry is like weed – never stops growing and is frigging everywhere.

Motherhood is 3AM wake ups and 11PM bedtimes.

Motherhood is loving a coffee reheated atleast 10 times.

Motherhood is reading “The goldilocks and the three bears” repeatedly for an hour without ever reaching the end and with every time the same enthusiasm. 

Motherhood is surviving on baby-food left overs and stolen scoops of ice-cream tubs.

Motherhood is cooking, cleaning, feeding, washing, tidying and answering the phone/door. All at the same time.

Motherhood is discovering a hidden Lego in the boots AFTER putting them on and taking a careless step. Ouch!

Motherhood is hiding behind a closet door to munch on a chocolate, and pretending how disgusting it tastes when caught red-handed.

Motherhood is the art of tidying the same place a 100 times a day and still failing.

Motherhood is a messy house, unmade beds and happy hearts.

Motherhood is bruised knees and magical kisses.

Motherhood is promising one is enough..then having two more – Cookies, chocolate, glass of wine, KIDS.

Motherhood is the fear of silence when in the bathroom.

Motherhood is when a trip to the bathroom becomes your me-time.

Motherhood is going from ‘Yuck!’ to ‘Here, wipe it on my pant'

Motherhood is being on-call 24/7 – no pay and no day-offs

.Motherhood is having the whole world in your arms when those little arms hold you tight.

Motherhood is exhausting and refreshing.

Motherhood is the hardest and the happiest. 

Motherhood is loving so much…it hurts.

Motherhood is being loved so much…it hurts.

Motherhood heals.

Motherhood is changing not a thing and doing it all over again… Happily

Nandini Mithun

Super Woman

 SuperWoman

Superwoman’ is a creation of selfish societies, essentially meant to keep the patriarchy engines running smoothly and in exchange they gave her the title, Guilt drove women to take on more load to prove themselves for fear of being shamed, while becoming keepers of homes and societies.

Did we raise the bar ourselves or walk unwittingly into the trap letting the world decide how we ought to look, behave and do? Whether size zero, or 34-36-34 figure suits best, or 4″stilettos even if they made ankles bleed to “look a million dollars” every time you stepped out to the grocer’s, PTA or party as if a woman’s worth lay in the right shade of pink lipstick or beeswax.

Stop multitasking through your identities and roles to become the ‘ideal’ daughters, wives, mothers, homemakers/career women for the cheers and claps that fall your way, because there’s more to you.

Excellence is fine, but perfection can  be obsessive, so forgive  yourself for the burnt rotis, leaky faucets or missed deadlines…exhale! Smell your coffee, in my case it's a cuppa chai…order a  meal, watch your favourite movie, enjoy a game, don’t let a lousy meal or bad appraisal become the validation of your existence.

Listen to your body Physical and mental wellness are equally important aspects for a fulfilling life, but sadly women refuse to acknowledge mental problems fearing social castigation.

Learning to open up and seek help with therapy, healing, meditation, yoga, taking up hobbies while engaging in meaningful relationships and friendship are some ways to address them.

Time to debunk the stereotype and wear your age, skin and scars with pride. Don’t let the Twitter or Instagram ‘likes’ decide your self worth and no matter what they say 40’s can never get to be the new 20’s, it’s just a glib ad liner, in case you thought so.

Don’t let the world set the terms and conditions for your life while standing  up for your principles or values.

At the end you get to keep your dignity and that’s no mean task, so compromise is not a good idea.

Drop out of that rat race, competition is meaningful and purposeful only if it’s about improving you and not with comparisons.

Unfortunately, as kids we’re taught otherwise, and were unhappy every time time we lost out. We thought that success lay in beating everyone else by all means fair or foul. By the time we realise the futility of it all, three quarters of our life is over.

Excellence doesn’t lie in the genes… so don’t punish yourself if your kids aren’t good with grades and stuff that you did. Skill, competence and abilities aren’t hereditary or genetically transmitted, but acquired with hard work and determination.

Teach your kids to be appreciative of what they already have, because try as much as you can, you never get to be more pretty, cook better or more talented than Kiara or Karan’s mom, as children can be pretty hard in their comparisons with their peers.

Stop trying to please them with all what your money can buy, instead teach them to respect and value what they have while helping them  to set realistic goals in life

Nandini Mithun

Time To Rethink

 Time to slim down

Over the few weeks there has just been one name repeatedly been playing in my mind, Vismaya.....

A girl who could have lived on to become a doctor, but unfortunately ended her life over dowry issue. the biggest shock for me was the exorbitant dowry given by her parents to the groom. 

Why could this money not have been put to better use? The collective expense involved on the gold, land, and vehicle could have been put to use on Vismaya’s higher education, or helped her establish her medical practice. Why, it could have acted as a comfortable retirement fund for the parents. But the exorbitant dowry only led to their daughter being caught in the trap of her husband’s greed and parents themselves weighed down by debt.

The growing obsession in our country for big fat weddings with the main focus on the ugly display of materialism has been spelling doom for years. It is high time not just to focus the discussion on dowry, but the society’s entire perception of weddings .

Many have questioned the necessity for giving the exorbitant dowry that Vismaya’s parents did. Whatever were the reasons that compelled them to take the decision, an important factor to be considered here is societal pressure, the pressure to upkeep their image in society.

Weddings which a few decades ago were simple family gatherings have become lavish events stretching over days. Thanks to the fame of Yash Raj and Barjatya movies we now have South Indian weddings boasting of mehndi, sangeet, and haldi ceremonies. You know it is just for fun, and everyone loves it and there is no harm right? 

Nothing wrong with adopting fun rituals which give more scope for family bonding, but these ceremonies have remained anything but that, even in communities where they were traditionally practised. You have a separate venue, décor, costumes, and a whole lot of frills put together for each ceremony. This lavishness can lead to expenses worth more than a lifetime of savings for the host, which in most cases is unfortunately the bride’s family. 

The fact that even in 2021 a girl is being married off at an age as young as 20 or 21 with all the pomp and show, rather than letting her concentrate on her career, education, and life goals only speak of the prevalent repressiveness in our society.

From the time of the birth of a girl child, the parents plan their finances with the end goal of the girl’s marriage. The effort is put in to entirely groom the girl for this end goal. While parents may feel proud about hosting an exorbitant wedding for their daughter, lavishing her husband and his family with ‘gifts’ often beyond their means, do they spare a thought for the life that lies ahead for their daughter?

Why not, husband is well settled and inlaws allow her to wear jeans and tops. 

To this day a son is the cherished child in most households. He is raised with all the extra dollops of love, pampering, and entitlement to be presented in the marriage market to the highest bidder, because he is the one who takes care in the final days... 

A few years ago, a friend’s family was seeking marriage alliances for her. She is a post-graduate who was working in a well-paid job with a renowned corporate. Most families of men who enquired were uncomfortable with the fact that the girl was qualified and financially independent. The second factor was what caused the maximum grievance for the men and their families. Some men went on to suggest that they wanted to marry a qualified girl like her, but she should focus solely on her domestic duties after marriage. That is the harsh reality of modern men seeking empowered wives in our country.

One of the primary reasons for dowry still being prevalent is that the decision-makers in a wedding are the family members of the bride and groom. Most times the couple to be wedded has little to no say. The practice would come to an end only when we as a society change our understanding of weddings and let the practice evolve for the better.

The practice of considering marriage an absolute necessity for every individual also ought to be abandoned. Secondly, the decision to marry should entirely be that of the couple and the marriage arrangements their responsibility. Under such a situation most sane people wouldn’t want to start their married life deep in debt for the sake of a destination wedding with a ten-course buffet spread. If this were to become a reality then maybe equal marriages would become the norm in our society.

Let us educate our daughters to be independent and to think on their own.

Nandini Mithun