Letter To My Son

 At times, I wonder how will it be if a boy's mother pens a heartfelt, intense and emotional long letter to her son about his better half. 

Like the way most of the things need to evolve and grow organically, a relationship between a mother in law and her daughter in law also takes time, the only common connection is the Man who is a child to one and an adult to another.

My dear Son,

You are a young man, charming, accomplished and a wonderful human being.

Believe me the world you live in and take for granted as a man is a completely different beast to tackle when you are from the other gender

I am sure it feels great to be valued, praised, and encouraged for your unique capabilities, to be welcomed with smiles, slaps on the back and “You go boy!” shouts wherever you go. This might make you not so familiar with the ordeal of being judged for things women are judged for.

What you wear (and what you don’t wear), what you say (and what you don’t say), what tone of voice you use (the pitch, the bass, the tenor etc.), what words you use to convey your message (and what words you don’t), how much you smile (or how much you scowl, how much you smirk, how much you don’t smile), how you smile…the list is endless.

I have tried to make you see the world from as your sister sees it, for example, but I realize that you cannot really just take peeks from time to time and understand what she is going through. As her younger brother, I can understand that you weren’t quite on the same plane as her to be able to decipher and digest the issues that she was facing as she tackled school, college, family, career, and life. 

My darling son, your wife should be the most important woman in your life – not your mom, not your sister, nor your best friend, not even your future daughter. The woman you are going to marry, the woman who is going to share every little aspect of your life, the woman who is going through the ordeal of giving birth to your children, the woman who is going to walk beside you hand in hand, should be the woman you value the most. She should get your utmost respect, attention and above all your love.

Go ahead and fall gloriously in love with her. Love like you have never loved before. Love her like she’s a part of you. Love her like she deserves to be loved – completely and with abandon. Spoil her with your attention, with your adherence to her likes and dislikes.

Ignore the world that might label you with their misogynistic titles – a ‘henpecked husband’ being the top of the list. You have my permission to show them the finger I have asked you not to show to anyone. This is the kind of situation that you need to preserve it for. I know I have raised a strong young man who does not get fazed by the meaninglessness of the bad wide world.

I want you to break the traditional mold of – “I am the man, so my family, my boss, my dog should get more preference than you, your family, your boss and your dog” mentality that is so prevalent among men in general, and South Asian Men in particular.

My dear son, if you ever make your marriage a battle of egos, it will never work. Learn to let go, even though it is hard to let go, learn to let go. Learn to adapt, to change, to think beyond one’s family, one’s friends.

It’s quite OK if she gives more preference to her family. Her parents have brought her up, she has lived surrounded by her family all her life, how and why should you expect her to suddenly treat yours better? That is quite unfair. She has a right to continue to love her mom, dad and siblings in peace. She has a right to continue her old associations and relationships as she wants to

Never ever make her choose or make her choices for her. Even if she were to choose you, she will never really be happy about her choice; it will plague her, she will never quite get over what you did to her. Don’t let your ego be so fragile that it needs constant validation by needing her to prefer you over anyone else. I hope I have brought you up to behave like an adult man instead of a confused spoilt brat.

Love is a beautiful emotion in itself, it is what makes the world go around. If it weren’t for love, I don’t think the human race would have survived so far.

But love can get ugly too. If love for your own self supersedes your love for other human beings, then that is when things start to go wrong.

Learn to love her like your own. Encourage her to achieve her dreams, revel in it when she does. Don’t hold her back in anything. I have taught you to take care of yourself, so when the need arises, I hope you rise to the occasion to not just take care of yourself, but to take care of her too.

Also, don’t make her decisions for her. She is as, if not more accomplished than you are. She is capable enough to handle herself, her life problems and issues. If she asks you for advice, then by all means tell her what you think is right, but don’t meddle unnecessarily in her affairs. Give her space to grow. Let her make her own mistakes and learn from them.

Stand by her no matter what. Don’t be the one who says I told you so, but the one who says I am here for you. Not just one who says, but one who does, because after all my love, actions speak louder than mere words ever can.

Love her with abandon and watch as the happiness you give her comes back to you tenfold.

Life is too short and youth even more so. So, enjoy it while it lasts, and you cannot enjoy it with anyone else like you can with your life partner. Make sure you lay the foundation of your old age by cementing your relationship with your spouse with love, trust, care and most of all the topmost preference.

Your parents can take care of themselves; your siblings have their own families; your friends have other friends – so don’t put your wife on hold for them. Don’t ignore the one who’s going to be with you all through your youth right into your old age. Sow the seed of love and nourish it with your time, energy and effort and watch it grow like Jack’s beanstalk.

50+ years and your father still treats me like a new bride and gets excited for an evening walk with me. 

Don’t be caught up in who’s doing what and how much.  It is your seed, in your backyard and the backyard belongs to the both of you equally, and remember even if you do more or less – remember when this sapling grows into a tree it will encompass both of you in its shade equally. Water it without overwhelming it, prune it, fertilize it, make sure it is getting enough sunlight, protect it, nurture it and watch it bloom and produce the biggest, brightest, freshest flower that fill your life with color and beauty. 

My dear Son, i am a grown up woman and i know how to take care of myself and i have my circle and my interests, so please dont use me as a pawn in your marriage to do the things that you want. 

If you are man enough to want to do something, do it on your own responsibility – do not drag your mom, your dad, you siblings, or any of your friends into it. I am not sure about what others might or might not do, but let me tell you my dearest one, I for one will not allow you hide behind me to get away with things you don’t want to do. 

The thing with human beings and especially with moms is that somehow, they can never quite decipher that the child they have brought up can do anything wrong even though they are privy to all the weaknesses of their child. Somehow the other person, be it be a friend that the child has had an argument with, a teacher who did not give the child good grades, or a spouse who does not get along with them. – somehow conveniently, the other person is always wrong, and your child is the victim. 

Always side with the right thing and if you don’t really know the state of affairs, then you don’t take sides. You can’t just be on one person’s side because you know him/her. 

I will not always be right. Just because I am your mom and cooked the most delicious dishes for you does not mean you put me on a pedestal and behave unfairly with your wife. I don’t want to be up there, I wanted to be treated like an ordinary human being – that’s who I am. I have my strengths and my weaknesses, just like your wife. You can’t hold her weakness against my strength and you can’t ignore my short comings in my favor.

I think my letter to you has gotten too lengthy. I hope you are not rolling your eyes thinking my mom is so kind, noble and selfless to be doing this. Well my son, simply put, I am not. I am being as selfish as any other person who wants to lead a happy life. 

I genuinely believe that you can’t really be happy unless you have a good heart. You will find that one achieves a much higher level of joy when one is content and peaceful than when one is just happy. I want you to be content and peaceful in life so that I can be too. As selfish as that. As you can ascertain, I am just looking out for my happiness

try to make a heaven in your home, don’t let the devils of ego, jealousy and boredom take root there. They have a tendency to take over the entire heaven that you have so painstakingly built. I wish you the best in life with a reminder that you are responsible for giving your best before you can expect the best and the best of us are those who continue to give their best even when not getting it back in kind.

If you ever feel, i am asking a lot from you, one day you will thank me for this. 

Love 

Mom

PS: letter to my daughter, hmm thats for another post 

Nandini Mithun