Time To Rethink

 Time to slim down

Over the few weeks there has just been one name repeatedly been playing in my mind, Vismaya.....

A girl who could have lived on to become a doctor, but unfortunately ended her life over dowry issue. the biggest shock for me was the exorbitant dowry given by her parents to the groom. 

Why could this money not have been put to better use? The collective expense involved on the gold, land, and vehicle could have been put to use on Vismaya’s higher education, or helped her establish her medical practice. Why, it could have acted as a comfortable retirement fund for the parents. But the exorbitant dowry only led to their daughter being caught in the trap of her husband’s greed and parents themselves weighed down by debt.

The growing obsession in our country for big fat weddings with the main focus on the ugly display of materialism has been spelling doom for years. It is high time not just to focus the discussion on dowry, but the society’s entire perception of weddings .

Many have questioned the necessity for giving the exorbitant dowry that Vismaya’s parents did. Whatever were the reasons that compelled them to take the decision, an important factor to be considered here is societal pressure, the pressure to upkeep their image in society.

Weddings which a few decades ago were simple family gatherings have become lavish events stretching over days. Thanks to the fame of Yash Raj and Barjatya movies we now have South Indian weddings boasting of mehndi, sangeet, and haldi ceremonies. You know it is just for fun, and everyone loves it and there is no harm right? 

Nothing wrong with adopting fun rituals which give more scope for family bonding, but these ceremonies have remained anything but that, even in communities where they were traditionally practised. You have a separate venue, décor, costumes, and a whole lot of frills put together for each ceremony. This lavishness can lead to expenses worth more than a lifetime of savings for the host, which in most cases is unfortunately the bride’s family. 

The fact that even in 2021 a girl is being married off at an age as young as 20 or 21 with all the pomp and show, rather than letting her concentrate on her career, education, and life goals only speak of the prevalent repressiveness in our society.

From the time of the birth of a girl child, the parents plan their finances with the end goal of the girl’s marriage. The effort is put in to entirely groom the girl for this end goal. While parents may feel proud about hosting an exorbitant wedding for their daughter, lavishing her husband and his family with ‘gifts’ often beyond their means, do they spare a thought for the life that lies ahead for their daughter?

Why not, husband is well settled and inlaws allow her to wear jeans and tops. 

To this day a son is the cherished child in most households. He is raised with all the extra dollops of love, pampering, and entitlement to be presented in the marriage market to the highest bidder, because he is the one who takes care in the final days... 

A few years ago, a friend’s family was seeking marriage alliances for her. She is a post-graduate who was working in a well-paid job with a renowned corporate. Most families of men who enquired were uncomfortable with the fact that the girl was qualified and financially independent. The second factor was what caused the maximum grievance for the men and their families. Some men went on to suggest that they wanted to marry a qualified girl like her, but she should focus solely on her domestic duties after marriage. That is the harsh reality of modern men seeking empowered wives in our country.

One of the primary reasons for dowry still being prevalent is that the decision-makers in a wedding are the family members of the bride and groom. Most times the couple to be wedded has little to no say. The practice would come to an end only when we as a society change our understanding of weddings and let the practice evolve for the better.

The practice of considering marriage an absolute necessity for every individual also ought to be abandoned. Secondly, the decision to marry should entirely be that of the couple and the marriage arrangements their responsibility. Under such a situation most sane people wouldn’t want to start their married life deep in debt for the sake of a destination wedding with a ten-course buffet spread. If this were to become a reality then maybe equal marriages would become the norm in our society.

Let us educate our daughters to be independent and to think on their own.

Nandini Mithun